Monthly Archives: October 2013

Notre Dame: A four-sided game review

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Notre Dame is a light-to-medium complexity board game for two to five players. The game shouldn’t run longer than an hour, although it might with four (slow players) or five. It is considered to be one of respected game designer Stefan Feld’s best games, winning numerous award nominations after its release in 2007.

At its core this is a simple game of choosing actions and placing ‘workers’ via card choices. These actions variously reward you with money, victory points, bonuses, or ways to stave off the ever-present threat of rats. But what really makes the game sing is the card drafting (see below).

While the game isn’t strongly themed while playing, the box art and components do a good job of getting the medieval theme across; a parchment effect rulebook and map pieces, plus period-style card art and map effects - although I’m not sure about the Quasimodo start player piece…

Overall, the component quality is solid. The oddly shaped yet eye-catching map pieces are individual (identical) city sectors, with a different layout used depending on the number of players. These fit together in a novel way which is very easy on the eye. Beyond this it’s the usual card stock, cardboard and wooden cube faire you’d expect from a quality publisher.

Setting the board up the first few times can be a bit of a puzzle, but generally Notre Dame is simple to set up. Each player’s cubes, cardboard chits and action cards are colour-coded and while the game has quite a lot going on it has very few moving parts. You make two card stacks, a few piles of chits (victory points and money) and away you go.

Teaching

The blue player’s cards

Like many euro games that have a short and repetitive round structure, Notre Dame is relatively easy to teach. The eight-page A4 rulebook only really has four pages of rules; the rest is a slightly convoluted explanation of all the cards and actions.

There is also a handy crib sheet which has an explanation of each of the game’s bonus cards (these have bonuses that can be bought at the end of each round). The cards do have icons on them, but they’re not the easiest to get your head around, so the crib sheet might see a lot of use.

The game lasts nine rounds and each player has an identical set of nine cards. On each round you will randomly draw three of these cards as a hand, so will go through the whole set three times during the game.

However, in each round you choose one action card to keep and then pass the other two to your left, receiving the unwanted cards from the player to your right. You will do this twice, again leaving you with three cards, but you will only get to play two of them per round. Occasionally these decisions are simple - most of the time not so!

While adding a fascinating dynamic to the game, it also means players are likely to see every action card played at least once within those first three rounds. As the game essentially rinses and repeats three times (with only the bonus cards changing - but these are common knowledge and can be used by everyone, so are easy to explain as they come up), most players will have a strong grip on things after that first run through.

The four sides

The ‘board’ is made of up to five of these. There are seven city areas, plus the rat track

These are me, plus three fictitious amalgams drawn from observing my friends, and their respective quirks and play styles.

  • The writer: A good game, it does things differently enough from its peers to stand out, while bringing something of its own to the party. Notre Dame scores well on both of these counts, while offering plenty to both experienced and new players. Scoring is nicely managed here too; like with many Feld games, things tend to end up close on points but you get the feeling the player who played best won. And you really are going to be making agonising decisions every few rounds.
  • The thinker: I’m close to being on the fence on this one, but in the end it does just about win me over. There aren’t many chances to really plan ahead, while the routes to victory are limited and the random factor larger than I’d like. But for a one-hour experience it offers a fascinating puzzle that is just different enough each time to hold my interest; quite a feat for a game with so few components. It’s not one I’d pick off the shelf often, but I’m always happy to play.
  • The trasher: Notre Dame is very much a take it or leave it game for me. It’s not too bad and doesn’t outstay its welcome, but despite the card drafting there’s very little real interaction or opportunity for awesome moves. It does get the balance right between strategy and tactics, but what you’re doing simply doesn’t get my juices flowing. You trickle along, getting a point here and a point there, and then it’s over. Clever? Sure; absorbing? Not for me.
  • The dabbler: I like this one! The components are lovely and the gameplay is straightforward, but the choices are tricky and it can be really nerve-racking waiting to see what your neighbour is going to pass you. You can also push your luck to an extent, risking the horror of the rats (see below) while taking all the good stuff you can! While it’s a bit above a gateway game it goes down well with non-gamers who have a bit about them - as long as they’ve not had too many drinks!

Key observations

You’ll get a choice of benefiting from one of these bonus cards each round, if you have a coin. Note the rats on the bottom of each card

Rats. Why did it have to have rats? Why can’t we just score a gazillion points with no danger instead of agonising over every turn thanks to these dastardly vermin? Woe is me etc etc.

This is the rather pitiful cry of the Notre Dame naysayer - and euro game whingers in general. But it seems to be the big talking point when it comes to this game, so it seems to be worth addressing. I guess you’ve already worked out my opinion…

A little context. Each player has a ‘rat track’ that starts at zero and goes up to nine. If you ever let your rat counter go above nine, you’ll face a few penalties as the plague arrives on your ships. Worse still, taking this penalty doesn’t do much to reduce the threat: your rat counter will still be at ‘nine’ on the rat track for the start of the next turn.

Rats will arrive every round - normally three or four, but it can be a few more (or less) - so the threat is ever present after the first couple of rounds. However, there are several action cards and bonus cards that mitigate the danger more than adequately, so only poor (or deliberately dangerous) play, coupled with some bad luck, will see the plague hit. I think I’ve seen one player hit by the plague in more than 10 games of Notre Dame.

Rather than being a negative, I see the rat counter as a big tick in the game’s favour. If it weren’t there the game would totally lack tension; it would purely be a march to a large victory point haul and would totally lose its soul. While some games do take mitigating bad times to levels where I can see why people hate it (feeding in Agricola for example - I personally disagree, but see it as a valid reason why people don’t like the game), this certainly isn’t one of them. It’s time to man-up people: this is a feature, not a curse!

Conclusion

Quasimodo guarding the money and victory point tokens

Despite getting back into board games in a big way, my ears still only really prick up when I hear one designer’s name: Stefan Feld. Having now played seven of his games, four of those would easily make my top 50 game list - probably the top 20. Notre Dame would be in, or close to, my top 10.

I’m a sucker for the randomness of cards, especially when that randomness is tightly constrained as it is here. You’re all facing the same set of circumstances - its not about who is lucky enough to land on Park Lane the first time around the board.

Secondly, I’m also a sucker for worker placement games - especially ones where the paths to victory are clearly defined, yet tricky to pull off. This is a problem for me in another of his popular designs, Trajan - a game I see as a bit of a mess (or point soup, as some wags describe it), despite having a nice enough time when I play it. Notre Dame is far more elegant.

I currently rate Notre Dame a 9 out of 10, on an equal footing with all the other greats in my collection (with the exception of Race for the Galaxy, still my only 10). And it holds the record for biggest bargain too - how this found its way into The Works for less than £10 a couple of years back will always baffle me. It’s a game I’d recommend to pretty much anyone and if you need someone to teach you it, just pay my fare to yours and we’ll see what we can do…

More Stefan Feld game reviews:

My Top 10 (well, 25-ish…) Essen Spiel 2013 wishlist

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It’s just two weeks until we head off to Essen Spiel 2013 in Germany. It’s the world’s biggest board and card game trade show, but its just as geared towards the public as it is the industry. This will my second visit and I’m buzzing already.

This year I’m heading off with friend Matt, meeting other friends Lloyd and Sherine on Eurostar and then a bunch of others when we get there. On the way back Matt and me will be stopping off in Cologne and Brussels for a few days too, which should add a bit more blogging juice (unless we spend the whole time in the hotel playing new games…).

You may see board gaming as a niche nerd hobby, but it’s probably a bit bigger a deal than you think - especially in Germany. As a nation the Germans don’t see the basic concept of playing board games as nerdy; good quality tabletop games are an accepted part of family life (but yes, I’m sure most of them still sneer at role-players).

So when I say big, I mean big: We’re talking 150,000 visitors, 827 exhibitors from 37 nations releasing literally hundreds of new games, covering a conference space of around 47,000 square meters - for four days. Big.

So how the hell do you cut down a 400+ new game list down to a manageable size? Well, you use the Essen Geek Mini website of course. And having studiously whittled it down over the past few months, here’s my…

Essen Wishlist Top 10

  1. Concordia: Board game designer Mac Gerdts is the man behind the rondel mechanism that inspired my only design to date, The Empire Engine. His games tend to be thinky and intelligent, while light on oppressive rules, and this one sees him move away from his beloved rondel and into hand management via cards, while keeping a beautiful board involved. This will be a definite buy for me.
  2. Snowdonia expansions: It looks like there will be three separate expansions for one of my favourite games, Snowdonia, available at this year’s Essen. One of them I did a bit of play-testing for, while the others all look to add a little more variety to a game I can’t ever see myself getting bored of. I won’t talk about the base game as I’ve reviewed it here. Again, these will be definite purchases.
  3. Bargains! While my friends would say my collection is already ridiculous, I’m actually pretty limited in my knowledge compared to many board gamers. This makes Essen particularly fantastic, as German retailers use it to clear lots of good (but not great selling) games are crazy discounts - although you have to be careful, as they’re often German editions. Already on the list: Dakota and Artus.
  4. Warlock: This is a game that I’ll need to demo, but from what I can garner from the rules it looks like there might be just enough of our favourite midweek game - Race for the Galaxy - along with some interesting new twists to make this a real winner. And at 20 euros, the price is right too. Auctions/bidding, deck building, tile placement/tableau building and hand management - it ticks all the boxes.
  5. Dice games: Both Zoe and me are suckers for rolling dice, so I’m always on the lookout for some nice dice games. Two are standing out for me at the moment: Blueprints is a 30-minute dice drafting game, where you complete patterns on cards with different coloured dice, with different colours giving different benefits. CV is a card/Yahtzee game with nice art and a fun, original theme (the story of your life).
  6. Gritty sci-fi games: Know your audience! Our group likes gritty sci-fi, so why not give them what they want? Two stand out this year to me: Enclave (Polish worker placement game, collecting equipment to complete missions) and Infamy (hire criminals, deploy secret units, screw your friends’ plans, complete jobs). both look potentially fun, but I’ll be looking to try before I buy.
  7. Card games: Yes, there will be hundreds, but two in particular have aught my eye: Cheaty Mages looks like silly anime art fun, where you secretly bid on arena battles while trying to cheat the outcomes. S-Evolution looks to have an interesting tack on trick taking games, adding worker placement and evolution to change what rules each player applies in each round - from playing blind right up to using trump cards.
  8. Nice looking euros: These are my Achilles heal, so along with Concordia I’m bound to come home with at least one other fascinatingly themed gem. These are two to three-hour games where you place workers, gather materials and then turn them into victory points. The contenders: Rokoko (dress making…), Yunnan (tea selling…) and Craftsmen (medieval town building…).
  9. Silly racing games: I don’t have one of these, but there are two coming to Essen that like fun. Banjooli Xeet sees you racing ostriches via bluff and dice rolling, while the equally sensible looking The Sheep Race sees you, well, racing sheep - place your bets, then try to alter the outcome of three races to cash in. Both will need to shine to see me part with any cash - although the sheep one looks gorgeous.
  10. Mining games: Not a topic I am drawn to any way, but oddly there are two mining-themed games that look interesting this year. Rockwell looks like an uneasy co-op, where you need to work together to mine - but are looking to make the most profit. Coal Baron looks a more typical euro, but with some potentially interesting movement decisions to be made to bring up the coal.

Just outside the list was a game I love the look of, am not convinced by at all, but can’t seem to shake my interest in: Origin. It looks beautiful yet simple, while it could offer a lot of interesting strategic decisions - or equally could be incredibly dull. I’ll definitely be after a demo of this one (especially as I’ll be at Matagot anyway to collect a Nefertiti pre-order).

And finally, those games I know I’ll love and lust for but - a) will hardly ever get any table time; and b) will be expensive and not discounted: Lewis & Clark, Nations and A Study in Emerald (I’m not linking them to avoid temptation for myself if I read this back for reference - I know how weak I am).

There are a few more, but you know - I’m getting hungry. And there was me thinking this would be a short post. What a nerd…

(NOTE: Follow up post here)

Jaipur: A four-sided game review

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Jaipur is a set collection card game for two players.

It comes in a small box and plays out in about 30 minutes, making it a great holiday game (however the 55 cards and 60 cardboard tokens do take up quite a bit of table space when laid out, so it might be tricky to play while you’re actually on the move). It also retails at a great price, around £15.

The whole package is really nicely designed, with reasonably chunky cardboard tokens and good quality cards all fitting nicely into the box. The games (pasted-on) theme sees you as two rival traders, trying to make the most profit in the markets of the Indian city Jaipur. The art does a really good job of evoking this, while even the box insert keeps it going - a nice touch.

Set-up is a little fiddly if you do it properly, but doing so does make the game run smoother and is certainly recommended. You’ll also have to go through most of this again after each round, but once you both know what you’re doing this can be done co-operatively without it being much of an issue (a couple of minutes at most).

During the game there will always be five face-up cards to choose from: If you take one good, it is replaced from the top of the deck - if you take more than one good, they are all replaced either with other goods already in your hand, or with camels (see below) from in front of you. Alternatively, instead of taking cards, you can trade in cards from your hand for the appropriate Victory Point tokens. That’s it.

Teaching

The game concept is super easy: draw cards, collect sets, use sets to buy victory points. However some well devised mechanisms (see below) make for a surprising amount of tricky decisions each round. So, while really great luck on the draw can be insurmountable for your opponent, over three rounds the better player tends to win.

The game plays out in what amounts to roughly three 10-minute rounds. This is great for teaching, as it’s very easy to play a sample round and start afresh (good if you’re playing someone hyper competitive who really does want to try and get that win in game one!). Also, there’s nothing stopping you carrying on for more rounds - or having a quick single round game (although the set up may be a bit much for a one-shot round).

While Jaipur is a fairly simple game to teach, there are a few nuances that people tend to keep forgetting (either deliberately or not, depending on how cheaty your group is!) - the classic being that if you only take one card, you must replace it from the top of the deck (not your hand). Thankfully the well laid out rulebook lists all of your options for a turn in the centre spread, which you can leave out on the table for easy reference.

The four sides

These are me, plus three fictitious amalgams drawn from observing my friends, and their respective quirks and play styles.

  • The writer: Its hard for a set collection game to stand out, but Jaipur manages it thanks to a few neat ideas. Alongside the goods cards are the camels. On your turn you can take all the camels available, which then sit in front of you as trading chips but don’t count against your hand limit. Useful, as this can significantly increase your bargaining power for a round or two. But you have to take them all - which could leave some great cards open for your opponent.
  • The thinker: Hand management is the key factor and what sees a good player usually beat a bad one. Your game should be played as much in your opponents hand as your own, as you watch to see when they’re in a poor position to profit from a big play of your own. Sometimes you can also manipulate how quickly a round ends, either extinguish certain goods if you have a strong start (three empty stacks ends the round), or holding on to cards to keep the game going if you’re not.
  • The trasher: I’d never ask for this one to come off of the shelf, but it is one I’ll play as a filler. While the theme is a bit boring and there is little actual player interaction, there are usually some good chances for clever opportunistic play; grabbing a single five-point VP token with a card just when you know someone is about to grab a set of them on their turn, taking their score tally down by that amount, is very satisfying! But more than the occasional game and I’m soon getting bored.
  • The dabbler: Love it! Jaipur is simple to play and learn, while also being a doddle to teach. Any game where you’re flipping cards over into a draw area leads to ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ and this is no exception, with players constantly cursing their luck or revelling in a lucky draw. The art is cute and colourful (you’ve got to love that one camel has a little bear hidden under its saddle!) while the playing time is just right. In fact, its a game I’ll happily play several times in a row - especially when you want to have a chat and don’t want too much brain burn of an evening.

Key observations

It’s hard to find a negative review of Jaipur, and for good reason: it is a solid two-player card game which adds an easily digestible level of innovation to a style of card game most people will be familiar with. Add solid art/theme, the right play length and a nice price point and you have a real winner.

One complaint, that its only two-player, seems desperate. If anything the hobby needs more two-player games that are accessible such as this, as they’re perfect for encouraging both children and non-gaming partners or friends into trying the hobby when there just happens to be two of you sitting around on a rainy day.

The other, the strong luck factor, is perhaps more valid. However at 30 minutes Jaipur is clearly a filler - and a filler without luck seems to miss the biggest point of fillers. And I would still argue that a good player will win most games overall, even if its more often 2-1 than 2-0. If anything, I see that as a good thing.

Conclusion

If you’re someone who likes card games and sometimes finds themselves in a situation where a good, short two-player game would fit the bill, I would highly recommend Jaipur to everyone: gamers and non-gamers alike.

And it’s very much a family game too - and it’s unlikely to scare off even the most tragic anti-geek. Jaipur oozes quality, without stinking of nerdiness: this is the kind of game WHSmiths should stock and it wouldn’t look out of place on its shelves.

Despite all the praise though, I’m only rating it a 7.5. Because for all its quality and gateway goodness, there isn’t quite enough game in Jaipur for me to want to pick it off of the shelf when it’s my choice to play a game. Strictly for two, for example, I would rather reach for Blokus Duo or Jambo if I had my way.

But that doesn’t detract from Jaipur’s quality and it scores high marks right across the board for me. And while it isn’t the highest ranked game in my collection, I wouldn’t change a thing about it - nor would I trade it away.

Books wot I red: Jim Bob, Gibson, Butcher

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At the end of my previous book review post I listed what I thought would be my ‘top five’ reads over the next three months. Well, true to form, that was seven months ago - and I’ve only read two of them. But I’ve managed to read three books in total, so on with the show.

I had no idea what to expect from Driving Jarvis Ham by Jim Bob. For the uninitiated, Jim Bob is the singer-songwriter behind the ultimate 90s indie Marmite band, Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. And whether you like the music or not, there’s no denying our Jim Bob came up with a cannon of inspired lyrics - but could he write a novel?

On this evidence, yes, he can - although I’m yet to be convinced he has the chops to go on to be a full-blooded fiction author (then I doubt that’s his plan, so it’s probably a moot point).

Driving Jarvis Ham charts the unlikely relationship between two mates: wannabe ‘star’ Jarvis (think the most tragic of Britain’s Got Talent out-takes) and his long suffering sidekick/chauffeur/friend (as the author). The story is narrated by the friend, who has found Jarvis’ disturbing yet unputdownable diary, and walks you through their lives, loves and general lunacy.

The story is regularly funny and occasionally thought provoking. But while I enjoyed the read, I couldn’t help feeling it was all a little bit by the numbers. This kind of character is an easy and tragic target, while Jim Bob’s own career as ‘honest singer-songwriter trying to make a living as an artist’ clearly puts him - and his audience - into an easy sneering, laugh at the plebs position.

I’ll give Driving Jarvis Ham a thumbs up, but do wonder if it’s tainted by the good dose of goodwill I have for the author’s musical cannon. That said, I still look forward to his next book (and indeed his next gig), where I hope he can prove me royally wrong.

Despite having shelves full of unread classics, I can’t resist the allure of a charity shop bookshelf - which led to the recent purchase of Virtual Light by William Gibson. He’s an author I’ve heard a lot about and due to most things being in boxes after our house move, this was surprisingly promoted up the reading order.

It’s hard to fault the vision of the man; Gibson is credited with coining the term ‘cyberspace’ back in the 80s, as well as predicting the rise and rise of virtual environments and - more sinisterly - reality television. He’s considered one of the greats of both steampunk and cyberpunk writing, with this being the first book in his second cyberpunk series.

I almost didn’t get past the introduction. Virtual Light kicks off with an impenetrable few pages of nonsense drug/dream weirdness that has no grounding in anything - it just read like pretentious, pointless twaddle. But luckily I persevered, as once the book proper began it was a wonderfully intelligent and entertaining read.

I think the most important point to get across is this: don’t be put off if you’re not a sci-fi fan. Virtual Light is for the most part a gripping character study of two individuals thrown together in unlikely circumstances; two ordinary, usually good people who have each snapped a little as life continues to throw them curve balls. Sure, it’s set in a post-disaster near future San Francisco, but the tech speak is kept to a minimum and the real story here is about the people and about society, not their gadgets.

In fact, I think I’d have enjoyed the book more if it hadn’t been set in a dystopian future - and would certainly find it easier to encourage friends to read. While I’m sure some see extra meaning in some of the symbolism Gibson employs here, the main messages are so strongly telegraphed (in a good way) they’re really not needed. A fantastic, thought provoking yarn with a vividly drawn, likeable and believable cast.

After all that dark foreboding it was definitely time for some nonsense! So what better choice than the second instalment of daft pseudo noire fantasy series The Dresden Files: Fool Moon by Jim Butcher? The first novel was a real guilty pleasure, despite being pretty poorly written, and I’d been looking forward to reading the sequel for some time.

It didn’t disappoint: there were more clichés and overly drawn descriptions in the first chapter than you’d get in a thousand Gibson novels. But this is noire - it’s supposed to be like that, right?

In these early books, Butcher’s writing standard is at best Dan Brown-esque. He tries to make everything cinematic, while explaining even the most obvious emotional responses to the reader. So despite being 400 pages long I sped through parts of it, because I was only reading about one page’s worth of text in four. This would be OK if it was squarely aimed at young teens, but as it’s full of swears and adult themes that’s clearly not the case. I’m told his style improves in later books - here’s hoping!

So why the hell am I reading them? Quite simply, they’re great fatastical stories. I love the concept (hard up wizard PI in Chicago), the characters, the locations, the relationships and the story lines - all the bits to make a good book are here. And as someone who’s convinced they have a novel in them, knowing someone this thin on writing chops made it onto the best-seller list gives me genuine hope!

What’s next on the list?

As this was such a resounding success last time, let’s try it again shall we?

  1. Bryant & May and the Invisible Code by Christopher Fowler. Up from number 5, not only is this now out in paperback but I have it in my grubby mitts. As my favourite series ever, this will definitely be read next.
  2. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. I really enjoyed the first Hunger Games book and then took a deliberate break. But I can hear the sequel calling me from the bookcase…
  3. Cognitive Surplus by Clay Shirky. Still at 3 and still here for the same reasons: “How to make a better world. I think it’s probably important to get up to speed on this.”
  4. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I bought this as part of a nice set, cheap from The Works, for Zoe’s birthday. I’ve since heard several people whose opinions I trust say it’s a classic for the right reasons, so I’m looking forward to giving it a go myself. Should also be a good change of pace.
  5. Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch. Down from 2 last time, but still high on my list. It just might be a bit like other things higher up on my agenda to get read soon. And it’s also still in a box, somewhere, which isn’t helping its cause.

Becoming St Ivian, part 4: Hidden treasures and the road to Wem-ber-lee

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Unfortunately a combination of crappy weather and other commitments have curtailed any further opportunities to explore the St Ives countryside. With the evenings starting to shorten and free weekends drying up, there will be precious few chances for decent exploring again this year. However, it’s amazing what you can find on your doorstep.

Our cute little ginger neighbour, coincidentally named George (see below), is about six or eight, or something - I have no idea, he’s a child anyway. He seems a nice little chap, but just after we moved in he said something very odd. We’d come back from the chip shop, which is about a 15 minute walk away (and not called George’s) and he was playing outside. “Have you been to George’s?” He said. Strange boy.

So it was with supreme embarrassment that, two months later, I decided to take a different route to the bus stop - and stumbled upon George’s Chip Shop, about five minutes from our house. Alongside a handy (when you know it’s there…) corner shop and a (far less useful) hairdressers.

You’ll be pleased to hear we have since eaten at George’s and it’s every bit as good as the further chippy, which is dead to us now (so fickle). But I digress. The point was, there was a bloody chip shop five minutes from our house and we didn’t know!

I think its mainly because, where we previously lived in the flat on a new estate in Cambridge, the building firm had clearly been told they needed to build absolutely no new facilities at all. And this has become common; new areas are just thrown up, with no provision made for lazy locals who want a bag of chips.

Now our nice house in St Ives was built in the 70s, probably under a Labour government, who understood that greasy food was what made this country great and that the working classes needed to be fed, godamnit! In fact I’m sure I remember a tax on people (mostly posh) who didn’t eat fish and chips on Fridays after work - I expect the tories scrapped it. It makes me go all misty eyed just thinking about those halycon days.

But the point is, when you see a big housing area now, you don’t expect there to be any hidden gems - like shops, or doctors, or schools, or green space, or trees, or telephone boxes, or community centres, or roads that haven’t been dug up 85 times since being laid three weeks earlier. All you expect are piles of pizza delivery fliers, expertly spammed through unwanting doors by a desperate Royal Mail.

I blame Thatcher.

Wem-ber-lee! Wem-ber-lee! Wem-ber-oh, shit - boo!

My fourth (or fifth - already losing count, I’m such a veteran) St Ives FC experience came in the FA Cup. Nope, not the Final, but nearly - it was the… First Qualifying Round!

Yes, a mere four months before the big time Charlies start noticing the FA Cup at all. And then put out their third teams to beat the team who beat the team who beat the team who beat the team who put out St Ives Town. But not yet!

Joking aside, this was a big day for St Ives. This was the equal highest round the club had got to in the world’s finest football competition, so a win would be club history. We’d got a tricky draw against a side on equal footing (also tier 8) but in a different part of the pyramid; Dereham Town from the Ryman North.

My season ticket didn’t cover cup games, but I wasn’t going to miss this one. Luckily my hangover meant I wasn’t worried about the pitch-side booze ban, but there was definitely a different atmosphere around the ground. A sad lack of pints of the magic of the FA Cup? Who can say.

On the pitch St Ives started slowly (as usual) and Dereham took a deserved lead. But a hilarious goalkeeping blunder unfortunately (for him) gifted the ball to Town’s on-form striker Ogbonna, who lashed it straight back past him shortly before half time. This calmed the nerves and not long into the second half he’d scored two more for his hattrick and everyone could start to relax. History had been made - Wembley loomed large!

I got excited about the draw for the Second Qualifying Round. It was when some pretty big sides came in, up to tier six of the pyramid, which offered all kinds of possibilities - a local-ish game versus Histon (boo!) or Cambridge City (hurray!); a bigger club fallen on hard times (Stockport County anyone?), or a team from my past (Harrow Borough, or Wealdstone). It could mean some decent money, or a fun away trip - or maybe even progress to the next round and even bigger teams. Or it could mean away to Concord bloody Rangers.

Yes. The biggest game in St Ives town history was to be against some no-mark team I’d never heard of, from the far from convenient Canvey Island - described by some as the worst chav town in Essex. Worse still, it was a team punching above its weight with a better team than Town’s but getting smaller crowds. Marvellous.

I didn’t get to the game (although around 100 fans did make the journey, doubling the crowd - bravo!), but I am pleased to report the Saints apparently held their own, only to go out 4-3 after going down to 10 men.

So FA Cup glory is gone for another year, but joking aside there are no hard feelings. In fact, I will be cheering on ‘the beachboys’ in the next round - because they were drawn against bloody Histon! Bugger bugger bugger bugger…